1. Throw things

2. The “Vehicle Reversing” beep

3. Yawn

4. Flick water at you

5. The telephone ring

6. Answer the telephone after he’s pretended it has rung. “Hello?”

7. A selection of squeaking doors

8. “Eh?”

9. Dripping tap

10. Wolf whistle

There’s nothing quite like the sensation of thinking you have a really tired burglar in the house who has just reversed his bin wagon up to the door and is now making off with a ringing telephone through a series of doors in need of oiling.

Whilst Granddad Mort is having a much-needed rest, Georgie the Psychotic Parrot has come to live at Castle Mort for the interim.

My favourite game at the moment is ‘what shall we try and teach him to say?’ At the moment we’re working on ‘don’t blink’, but let’s see what the internet can come up with – something more original than ‘pieces of eight’ please.

At the moment he can ask for a cup of tea, says goodbye and tells you to shut up, as well as doing some wonderful impressions of squeaking doors and dripping taps. He also does a wonderful ‘ooh-err’ which makes me laugh every time.

So suggest away!

Someone once told me that the way staff members talk about ‘The Trust’ makes it sound like the British mafia. Not true, unfortunately, but there are certain benefits, and free entry to places like these make you remember how beautiful the UK can be – even on a rainy Friday in Wales.

The gardens were extensive and perfectly maintained. Unfortunately, visiting places like this with Trust staff means that the tour of the Castle involved less admiring of the collection, and more peering about trying to find dust and insects worth tutting at – alas we were sadly disappointed on that score.

These peacocks were wandering around quite happily with the visitors, with two little chicks popping out of the border to say hello.

If I lived here I’d turn the Orangery into a massive den and spend all my time there, in a hammock in the sunshine, reading books. This is apparently in an Alternate Universe where it is sunny in Wales.

This is a holiday cottage you can rent. Gorgeous, but I’m not sure how I’d feel about people staring into my living room window whilst I’m trying to relax on my weekend away. But maybe the location makes up for that.

Who could say no to a view like that?

Oh, and by the way: Don’t blink.

P.S. I’m sure you all know via BookFace that I got a First for my degree. I rule, but you already knew that, right? Right? Right.