Whatever happens in my life, I know that I want some aspect of it in places like this. In such a short space of time my life has taken on a whole new meaning, and I get enjoyment from things that would have seemed ’stupid’ and ‘boring’, and ‘whatever, that’s for old people’ over a year ago. Now you never hear me say ‘you expect me to go OUTSIDE? in the SUN?’

Now I know what wainscoting is. I take photographs of flowers that I want to find. I can recognise japanning, gooseberries, and black-eyed susans. People talk to me about cantilevered staircases. I say things like ‘ooh, look at these cobbles’ and I’m not even being ironic. I examine underfelt and drainage systems, and I get invited into grand houses for free as a staff member. I have opinions on water features. I HAVE A PATCH OF EARTH WITH VEGETABLES IN IT.

This is what it’s all about. Beautiful buildings and gardens full of flowers. Shropshire meadows, and hiding from the rain in 16th Century doorways. Maw’s tiles, and wild foxgloves.

When adults said ‘you’ll learn to appreciate the finer things in life’ I always thought they meant I’d wake up one day and suddenly like wine (hasn’t happened, won’t ever happen). But maybe this is what they meant.

I have officially fallen in love with a crochet pattern. It is so darned cute, and I love the cherry red.

So I’m not going to talk about the whole CANCER thing, cause my Mom has kind of got that down. It’s upsetting, and it sucks, and I hate the whole thing, and I kind of hate that the only way our house is ever full of flowers is if someone is ill or cut off a limb or something. But we’re treating this as Just Another Pain In The Ass Thing We Have To Deal With. It’s not the catchiest title but it gets the point across. Last week Ferris drove me to distraction, my Dad’s legs hurt, I had really bad hayfever and my Mom was had a broken finger. This week Ferris won’t stop vomiting, my Dad’s legs still hurt, I still have really bad hayfever, and my Mom has got a scar. Whatever. We’ll deal, we always do.

It’s the cancer I feel sorry for. It will seriously regret crossing this family.

Here’s a list of stupid things my dog has done recently.

1. Ate three sachets of coffee. It was decaffeinated, so he is nothing if not health-conscious. Unfortunately, that did nothing for the fact that he bounced off the walls for the entire evening and turned his lead into a yo-yo string. We had a ten minute walk and I nearly lost my arm. He was transfixed by a traffic cone – it was like he was on Crystal Meth. He was still hyperactive by morning and guess what! Vomiting! WHILST STILL HYPERACTIVE. Fun for all the family.

2. Figured out how to jump onto a chair, and then leap onto one of the work surfaces in the kitchen. Then he managed to tear open a packet of dog biscuits. And this is the bit that slays me – he only took one biscuit. Just one. As if I wouldn’t notice. Of course he has such a strong sense of smugness and pride that he could not help but come and show me his ill-gotten gains, so I knew immediately what he’d done. But damn, I was so impressed I let him have another one for being a cheeky git.

3. Learnt how to jump over our quite tall garden fence to see our neighbours. So we put stuff in the way. He climbed on the stuff. So we put up a trellis. He just kept jumping, throwing himself against the fence, never giving up. He’s like Rocky. So we made him a gate – now he visits our neighbours and their dog all the time.

4. Got through the gate at 7am, managed to get into our neighbours’ house, and then jump on their faces. They’re in their eighties, and thought they were being attacked by Nazis or something. We’re still on speaking terms, luckily.

5. Tried to push a pensioner into a stream. I’m not even kidding, this dog has something against the elderly. She was doing some weeding at The Croft, near the stream. He has a habit of jumping up and shoving people to get their attention and now I know why. He’s trying to bump us off, she nearly went in the water. He gets away with it because he’s cute – if the gardener tried to push his volunteers in he’d be arrested.

6. Caught a fledgling blackbird in the garden. As soon as we heard it squawking my Mum told him to drop it, and like a good boy he did. It ran off into the garden and grumped for a few hours, whilst my Mum and I searched it out, terrified that Ferris had injured its wings. Today it is back with its mum and brothers and has turned into a chunky monkey. Ferris is still desperate to get outside and catch them all, and they just dance in front of the patio doors, taunting him. When he does get close to one he always gets caught, and does what he’s told. It’s like the Godfather of the animal world, the birds know he is powerless and they mock him with their waddling ways. He howls by the back door, as if by complaining enough I’m just going to give up and say ’sure dog, go kill as many birds as you want! and buy yourself something pretty while you’re out there!’

At least he keeps me on my toes.