Here’s a list of stupid things my dog has done recently.
1. Ate three sachets of coffee. It was decaffeinated, so he is nothing if not health-conscious. Unfortunately, that did nothing for the fact that he bounced off the walls for the entire evening and turned his lead into a yo-yo string. We had a ten minute walk and I nearly lost my arm. He was transfixed by a traffic cone – it was like he was on Crystal Meth. He was still hyperactive by morning and guess what! Vomiting! WHILST STILL HYPERACTIVE. Fun for all the family.
2. Figured out how to jump onto a chair, and then leap onto one of the work surfaces in the kitchen. Then he managed to tear open a packet of dog biscuits. And this is the bit that slays me – he only took one biscuit. Just one. As if I wouldn’t notice. Of course he has such a strong sense of smugness and pride that he could not help but come and show me his ill-gotten gains, so I knew immediately what he’d done. But damn, I was so impressed I let him have another one for being a cheeky git.
3. Learnt how to jump over our quite tall garden fence to see our neighbours. So we put stuff in the way. He climbed on the stuff. So we put up a trellis. He just kept jumping, throwing himself against the fence, never giving up. He’s like Rocky. So we made him a gate – now he visits our neighbours and their dog all the time.
4. Got through the gate at 7am, managed to get into our neighbours’ house, and then jump on their faces. They’re in their eighties, and thought they were being attacked by Nazis or something. We’re still on speaking terms, luckily.
5. Tried to push a pensioner into a stream. I’m not even kidding, this dog has something against the elderly. She was doing some weeding at The Croft, near the stream. He has a habit of jumping up and shoving people to get their attention and now I know why. He’s trying to bump us off, she nearly went in the water. He gets away with it because he’s cute – if the gardener tried to push his volunteers in he’d be arrested.
6. Caught a fledgling blackbird in the garden. As soon as we heard it squawking my Mum told him to drop it, and like a good boy he did. It ran off into the garden and grumped for a few hours, whilst my Mum and I searched it out, terrified that Ferris had injured its wings. Today it is back with its mum and brothers and has turned into a chunky monkey. Ferris is still desperate to get outside and catch them all, and they just dance in front of the patio doors, taunting him. When he does get close to one he always gets caught, and does what he’s told. It’s like the Godfather of the animal world, the birds know he is powerless and they mock him with their waddling ways. He howls by the back door, as if by complaining enough I’m just going to give up and say ’sure dog, go kill as many birds as you want! and buy yourself something pretty while you’re out there!’

At least he keeps me on my toes.